OCTOBER 1 , 2006

Everyone of us needs allies , and our closet allies, besides God, in life can be –

first - our marriage partner, and secondly, trusted friends.

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up! (Eccl 4:10 )

How do you become allies? And how do you stay allies?

I. Men and women are usually unaware that they have different primary needs in communication with each other. Women will often think that men have the same needs they do, and men will often think that women have the same needs they do. But that simply isn't true.

When you mistakenly assume that the person of the opposite sex in your life has the same needs and desires as you do, it is likely you will become antagonists instead of allies.

The primary needs of women and the primary needs of men: (We're putting these needs in pairs, because the most powerful thing about the communication of these needs is that they are reciprocal .)

A Woman's Primary Needs: A Man's Primary Needs:

1. To be Cared For To be Respected

2. To be Understood To be Appreciated

3. To Receive Devotion To Receive Admiration

4. To be Reassured To be Encouraged

You will generally communicate in terms of what you need and not realize that your marriage partner needs something different. So when essential needs are not being met, you become a desperate household.

1. She needs caring , and he needs respect . Ephesians 5:33: Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband . This love is principally understood as being cared for.

When a man communicates to his wife how valued she is -- in a way that significant to her, she feels cared for. Naturally, she begins to respect him more. She is more likely to communicate in his need of being respected. When a wife communicates respect of her husband, he becomes more caring. It's reciprocal.

2. She needs understanding , and he needs appreciation .

3. She needs devotion , and he needs admiration .

4. She needs reassurance , and he needs encouragement .

Ph 2:4 - Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others .

Ephesians 4:29 - Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs , that it may benefit those who listen (NIV).

II. Unfortunately we drift from meeting the needs of others, to expecting others meeting our own. Look at the example of Solomon--

III. What's the solution? There are two principles:

•  There is the Principle of Focus .

•  There is the Principle of Pursuit .

IV. When it comes to love, Gary Chapman's popular book, Five Languages of Love, describes how people experience love the most -- in one of five ways:

•  Words of Affirmation .

B. Quality Time .

C. Receiving Gifts .

D. Acts of Service .

E. Physical Touch .

Rediscover the love you had at first, in courtship, with your mate.

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